July 2, 2006
Déjà Vu, Again and Again
By EVAN RATLIFF

Pat Shapiro is a vibrant woman of 77, with silver hair, animated blue
eyes and a certain air of elegance about her. She lives with her
husband, Don, in a white two-story Colonial in Dover, Mass., a
picturesque town set on the Charles River east of Boston. After 56 years
of marriage, Pat and Don have a playful repartee that borders on "Ozzie
and Harriet," and her still-sharp mind is on display in their running
banter. "Don, we haven't had an 'icebox' in years," she'll say,
interrupting one of his winding stories. "It's called a refrigerator."
Her short-term memory isn't quite what it used to be, she says, but it's
nothing that impacts her life. "Her long-term memory is meticulous," Don
says. "She can remember details from our trips to Europe years ago that
I can't."

One day last December, however, an odd thing happened to Pat Shapiro.
She was sitting in a car outside of a store with her daughter Susan,
while another daughter, Allison, shopped inside. From the front seat Pat
noticed a woman who seemed intensely familiar getting into a nearby car
with a baby. "I saw her last time I was here," Pat remarked. "That baby
did that exact same thing."

Looking up, Susan thought the comment strange; it seemed odd even that
her mother had been to this store recently. Then Pat noticed another
woman, smoking and chatting on a cellphone. "There's that woman who was
smoking a cigarette, with the scarf on," she said.
This time, Susan protested. "Ma, the chances of the other woman, who
doesn't know that woman, coming to the parking lot, smoking a cigarette
—"

"No, they were there last time," Pat insisted. She couldn't place when
exactly she'd been there before, but she felt positive she'd seen the
women.
Allison returned, and as they left, Pat noticed two nuns on the
sidewalk. They, too, she said, had certainly been there before.
"Mom, are you O.K.?" Susan asked.
"I feel fine," Pat replied.

Worried, Susan called her father later that day and asked if Pat had
ever claimed to recognize strange people or places. "Oh, it happens
every once in a while," he said. Susan asked if the episodes bothered
him. "Only when she is determined to make me think that something has
gone on that way," he said.
Later, though, Pat admitted to Susan that she was having such
experiences frequently. As often as several times a day, in fact, she
was struck with what sounded to Susan like an intense sensation of
déjà vu, a familiarity with a place or situation that — logically,
at least — she couldn't have encountered before. She would claim to
recognize details of restaurants she'd never been to, and occasionally
greeted total strangers as if she'd met them before. To Pat, in such
moments, the familiarity didn't feel like déjà vu. It just felt like
a memory. Like reality.

Take a moment to remember what happened during your day yesterday.
Images and sounds begin to flash through your mind: people you spoke to,
places you went, meals you ate. One scene cues up another, leading you
on vivid tangents as you cycle through the day. Now ask yourself: how do
you know that you are remembering those images as they happened, not
altering or inventing them? The question sounds inane at first; you were
there, after all. But what is it about those images that makes them
authentic to you? Try inserting a completely false memory into your day,
say that of running into a celebrity. You can picture it, sure, but it
doesn't feel real. Why not?

Memory, like most systems we depend on continually, tends to fade into
the background when it's working properly. Only when it fails or
misleads us do we begin to ponder its mechanisms. The structure of
memory has for centuries been one of psychology's most intractable
mysteries. To the extent that science claimed to understand it at all,
memory was seen as a kind of filing cabinet in which recollections were
neatly stored, retrieved on demand and occasionally misplaced.

The research of the last three decades, however, has shattered that
metaphor. The Canadian cognitive psychologist Endel Tulving struck a
significant blow in the 1970's, when he postulated a distinction between
episodic memories — our recollections about our own experiences —
and semantic ones, involving facts and concepts. Knowing the capital of
France is a semantic memory, for example; recalling your trip to Paris,
an episodic one. When we access episodic memories, Tulving further
observed, we don't just call up raw information. We actually
re-experience the events themselves, and that feeling of recollection is
part of what tells us that the memory is real. "Remembering," Tulving
summarized in 1983, "is mental time travel, a sort of reliving of
something that happened in the past."

Tulving and a group of fellow cognitive scientists — aided by advances
in neuroimaging technology — began to tease apart the relationships
between recollection and consciousness. They showed episodic memories to
be a product of a complex network of signals, scattered across the brain
and then reassembled, ad hoc, when the moment arises. Some of those
signals, centered in an area of the brain's temporal lobes called the
hippocampus, are now thought to be vital in creating the recollective
experience that Tulving described.

Simultaneously, psychologists began to demonstrate the myriad ways in
which memories can and do go wrong — not only when we forget, but also
when we incorporate distorted or false information. At the University of
California at Irvine, Elizabeth Loftus conducted an important series of
studies in the 1990's, in response to a wave of "recovered memory"
child-abuse cases, showing that false memories could be induced in
research subjects. In 1995, researchers at Washington University in St.
Louis demonstrated that people who were read a list of words like bed,
rest, awake, dream, wake and slumber, when tested later, would often
definitively remember hearing the word sleep. Research into
post-traumatic stress disorder found that PTSD sufferers can be tortured
by distorted memories of traumatic events. All of this work converges
today on an ominous question: How is it we can be fooled by memories
that are simply wrong?

The answer lies not necessarily in the content of our memories but in
the experience of reassembling and recalling them.
One way to try to understand that experience is by examining memory's
tricks and illusions. "Memory doesn't just depend on a storehouse of
knowledge, like putting cherries in a bowl and pulling out a cherry for
each memory," says Morris Moscovitch, a prominent episodic-memory
researcher at the University of Toronto. "What these unusual cases do is
draw your attention to something that we only get a hint of in real
life. This is a philosophical conundrum that has been struggled over for
centuries: how is it that we distinguish ongoing experience from memory,
and waking experience from dreams?"

Pat's daughter Susan began to scour the Internet, looking for
information about her mother's repeated déjà vu episodes. She
eventually came across the work of Chris Moulin, a neuropsychologist at
Leeds University, in England. Moulin and several colleagues had
published two scientific papers describing something they called
persistent "déjà vécu" — literally translated, the feeling of
having "already lived through" something. The cases seemed to match
Pat's condition, and Susan sent Moulin an e-mail message asking for
help.

Chris Moulin's office is located on the top floor of the psychology
department at Leeds, in an oddly asymmetrical brick building at the
center of campus. The room is cramped but spare, with a small collection
of books in one corner, a pair of soccer cleats stashed under a chair
and a set of framed Tintin cartoons on the wall. Moulin is 32 years old,
with red, close-cropped hair, a matching beard and glasses and a
penchant for jeans and sneakers. Today he's one of only a handful of
scientists studying déjà vu-like illusions, but like most of us, he
once thought of déjà vu as just an occasional, odd event in his own
life. Translated literally from the French as "already seen," déjà
vu can be, for some people, a strange and unsettling experience; for
others, thrilling or even spiritual.
Occurring at seemingly random times, lasting from a few seconds to a few
minutes, it often comes with a feeling of approaching premonition. Not
only does the situation feel familiar, but a vision of the future also
seems just beyond the searchlights of your conscious mind.
The accepted scientific definition of déjà vu, put forth in 1983 by
a Seattle-based psychiatrist named Vernon Neppe, is "any subjectively
inappropriate impression of familiarity of the present experience with
an undefined past." Beyond the definition, however, the scientific
understanding of this "inappropriate familiarity" remains murky.
Religion and parapsychology have offered their own explanations, citing
déjà vu as evidence for everything from clairvoyance to past lives.
Because the phenomenon is difficult if not impossible to reproduce in a
laboratory, though, researchers like Moulin have traditionally had
limited means to dispel the conventional wisdom. At the beginning of his
career, he says, "I didn't know anything about déjà vu, and it
didn't really interest me."

In December 2000, Moulin was a postdoctoral student in neuroscience at
the University of Bristol, working at a memory clinic in a hospital
nearby in Bath, when he received a strange referral letter from a local
doctor. It described an 80-year-old Polish immigrant whose wife said
that he was suffering from "frequent sensations of déjà vu." The
doctor had suggested to the man — a former engineer identified by his
initials, A.K.P. — that he set up an initial appointment at the memory
clinic. A.K.P. responded that he had already gone and didn't see the
point of going back. The problem was, as the doctor knew, he hadn't
actually ever been there.

Intrigued, Moulin started visiting A.K.P. and his wife at home. "He was
very witty and articulate, able to look after himself," Moulin recalls.
But A.K.P.'s wife was frustrated by his déjà vu, and he experienced
other mental problems, including memory loss and confabulation, the use
of subconsciously invented stories to cover memory deficits. His
déjà vu episodes seemed to be "practically constant," as Moulin and
colleagues outlined in a 2005 paper in the journal Neuropsychologia:
He refused to read the newspaper or watch television because he said he
had seen it before. However, A.K.P. remained insightful about his
difficulties: when he said he had seen a program before and his wife
asked him what happened next, he replied, "How should I know, I have a
memory problem!" The sensation. . .was extremely prominent when he went
for a walk — A.K.P. complained that it was the same bird in the same
tree singing the same song.. . .When shopping, A.K.P. would say that it
was unnecessary to purchase certain items, because he had bought the
item the day before.

Searching the modern scientific literature, Moulin found one case that
echoed A.K.P.'s, that of an 87-year-old woman, who, according to a brief
journal article from 2001, "reported that she was continuously reliving
the past and felt that a significant part of her daily experiences had
happened before." Moulin's mentor, Martin Conway, a pioneer in the
understanding of episodic memory, also recalled a paper by the Harvard
psychologist Daniel Schacter in the mid-1990's. Schacter had described
B.G., a man in his 60's, who claimed to recognize people and situations
he'd never encountered.

Those cases persuaded Moulin that A.K.P. was more than an anomaly, and
the clinic began sending him any patients with conditions that sounded
similar. A month later, a referral letter arrived for M.A., a
70-year-old woman with what the doctor described as pervasive déjà
vu. M.A. also found newspapers and television overwhelmingly familiar,
and had even quit playing tennis, claiming that she knew the outcome of
every rally. Moulin quickly discovered that in contrast to ordinary
déjà vu experiences, in which the sensation instantly seems
misplaced, neither A.K.P. nor M.A. recognized that something odd was
happening.
To them, the experiences simply felt like memories. "When we have
déjà vu, we don't act on it," Moulin says. "But these people refused
to watch television, they stopped reading the newspaper." The patients
were what cognitive scientists call "anosagnosic" — unaware of their
condition. They also found situations to be more than just familiar;
they believed that they were really recalling them, so much so that they
invented memories to justify that belief. They were, to use Tulving's
phrase, time traveling to a reality that had never existed.

The history of déjà vu is as much a literary tale as it is a
scientific one. Writers and poets have long proved more astute observers
of it than scientists, and mentions of déjà vu-like sensations date
to St. Augustine, who wrote of "falsae memoriae" in A.D. 400. Sir Walter
Scott described it as "a sense of pre-existence," and Dickens, Tolstoy
and Proust each explored it in prose.

Among scientists, déjà vu has traveled under a variety of names,
including "paramnesia" and "phantasms of memory." The first flurry of
research on the topic occurred in France in the 1890's, when prominent
psychologists debated fine distinctions between various paramnesias. At
a scientific meeting in 1896, the neurologist F. L. Arnaud proposed that
scientists unify their descriptions under a single term, "déjà vu."
He also recounted the unusual case of Louis, a 34-year-old who had
recovered from cerebral malaria. Louis, as the Cambridge psychiatrist
German Berrios wrote in a summary of Arnaud's work, "showed 'the first
symptoms characteristic of déjà vu' when he started claiming that he
could recognize certain newspaper articles that he said he had read
previously." Louis felt that he "recognized" nearly every experience, a
sensation he described as "I am living in two parallel years."
Arnaud even took Louis to a funeral (Louis Pasteur's, as it happened) to
see if he would claim to have remembered it. He did.

With the rise of behaviorism in the 20th century, déjà vu research
largely faded into obscurity. Freud postulated that the sensation was
caused by the similarity of a present situation to a suppressed fantasy
but declared the phenomenon too confusing to investigate. What studies
have been done rely on questionnaires about past déjà vu
experiences. Such surveys show that between 30 and 90 percent of people
experience déjà vu at some point in their lifetime. Alan Brown, a
psychologist at Southern Methodist University and the author of "The
Déjà Vu Experience," the most comprehensive book on the topic, pegs
the proportion at about two-thirds of the population.

Researchers suggest that déjà vu isn't experienced until the age of
8 or 9 at the earliest, indicating that the phenomenon may require a
certain level of brain development to either experience or describe. But
once déjà vu begins, it becomes more frequent through our teens and
20's, and is more likely to happen when we are tired or stressed.
Surveys show that the episodes then decline with age, although
scientists are uncertain why — and the experience of Moulin's patients
demonstrates that sometimes the condition actually increases in old age.

In his book, Brown identifies as many as 30 plausible scientific
explanations for the phenomenon, divided into "dual processing,"
"neurological," "memory" and "double perception" theories.
Dual-processing explanations assert, essentially, that two normally
separate brain processes are activated at wrong times. Imagine two heads
of a tape player, one recording memory and the other playing it back. If
the brain begins playing back while it's recording, the present might
feel like a memory. Neurological explanations involve small electrical
signals gone awry. If two signals carry information from the senses to
the brain, the theory goes, a delay in the second signal might cause it
to feel like a memory.

So-called memory explanations involve the brain's misunderstanding a
similarity between the present situation and an actual, true memory.
Encountering a chair that resembles one from your grandmother's living
room, for example, could trigger a feeling that a new place is somehow
familiar. Under "double perception" explanations, finally, the brain is
momentarily distracted after it has already taken in part of a scene.
When its attention returns to the scene fractions of a second later, it
suddenly feels like a memory.

There's no guarantee that all déjà vu episodes have a single cause,
and several of Brown's categories overlap. He says that, as with a
condition like a stomachache, he "could easily be comfortable with four
or five mechanisms." The essential feature in any déjà vu theory,
though, is explaining the sensation. After all, déjà vu is much more
than just familiarity. "You probably came into my office and thought,
I've seen a desk lamp a bit like that," Moulin told me. "But it doesn't
give you anything like déjà vu. You just think, Ah, yes, that's
familiar. There's no startling sensation."

It was precisely that startling sensation that A.K.P. and M.A. seemed to
lack during their déjà vu-like experiences. Moulin and Conway
concluded that the patients must not be experiencing ordinary sensations
of déjà vu, but what the researchers termed persistent déjà
vécu. Their hypothesis rested on the understanding, established in the
wake of Tulving's research, that episodic memories consist of two
aspects: the information content, or "memory trace," and an accompanying
experience of recollection. It's that experience, a little bit of
consciousness attached to a memory, that lets us know that we are
calling up something from the past. If someone experienced that feeling
constantly, without any memory trace attached, they would feel — as
Conway describes it — as if they were "remembering the present." In
other words, déjà vécu.

Moulin set up a series of experiments to test the theory. In one,
A.K.P., M.A. and 19 control subjects were shown a series of photos, some
of random people and others of well-known celebrities. Later they were
shown another series, containing a mixture of the old photos and new
ones, and asked if each photo pictured either a famous person or someone
they had been shown before. In another, subjects were read a series of
words, followed by a mixture of those same words and new ones, and then
asked which they had heard previously. The results were what Moulin had
expected: compared with the control subjects, M.A. and A.K.P.'s
false-positive rates were off the charts. They nearly always claimed to
recognize faces and words they hadn't seen or heard. More important,
they claimed not only to find the pictures and words familiar but also
to actually remember seeing them. Often they even confabulated stories
to justify those recollections. A.K.P. claimed that one random face was
that of a local painter. "I know," he said, "because his tie is lower
than it should be."

Brain scans of A.K.P. and M.A. revealed abnormal levels of atrophy, or
cell death, in their temporal lobes. Moulin knew that epileptics whose
seizures are centered in their temporal lobes often experience a
minutes-long "dreamy state" similar to déjà vu prior to their
seizures. Moulin and Conway concluded that their patients' déjà
vécu was similarly located in the temporal lobes, in a "recollective
experience circuit" that regulates the process of remembering. If the
circuit was "continuously active," it would keep feeding the brain that
feeling of recollection, without any real memory attached.

Could ordinary déjà vu be a minor version of the same thing, a brief
misfire in a temporal-lobe circuit that sets off the feeling of
remembering? "Somebody like A.K.P. shows that there is this sensation
that is separate from memory," Moulin told me. "If his can go
chronically wrong, ours can go momentarily wrong."
After hearing Pat Shapiro's story from Susan, I visited the Shapiros at
their home in Dover. Pat warmly ushered me inside, and we sat in the
couple's formal living room. She told me that her déjà vécu-like
experiences started in the last two years, coming and going with no
apparent pattern. Once, a nurse had come to the house to conduct a
physical for insurance purposes. "The first thing I said," Pat told me,
"was: 'So nice to see you! I haven't seen you in a long time!' " She
laughed — as she did following a half-dozen other such tales —
recalling that only later did she realize she'd never met the woman
before. Generally, she said, such episodes didn't bother her.

I heard markedly similar accounts from a college counselor in Glasgow,
Scotland, named Pam. Two years ago, Pam's 82-year-old mother began
saying that the BBC was repeating television programs. She even called a
repairman to examine her set. Soon she was complaining about the
newspaper and eventually all kinds of situations. The week before I met
with Pam at her office in Glasgow, she and her mother had been sitting
in a cafe when a child began crying. "Mum said, 'She's always here, and
always crying,' " Pam said. "I let it go, because I know it's not the
case, and we go to the same place every week."

Like Pat, Pam's mother is in otherwise good health. "It's sad and
frustrating, because I can't do anything for her," Pam said. "The only
thing that I can do is research it and tell her that she is not the only
one." Like Pat's daughter Susan, Pam found Moulin's papers and
corresponded with him. Both women said that talking to their mothers
about the research seemed to reduce both mother's and daughter's
anxiety.

Moulin regularly receives e-mail messages from people experiencing
something like déjà vécu, or from their relatives. The stories
themselves begin to take on a familiar ring: the woman who turned in her
library card because she felt she'd read everything on the shelves, the
man on his first trip to Paris who felt he'd been to every part of the
city. Moulin says there may be many other persistent déjà vécu
sufferers, afraid to tell their doctors for fear of sounding crazy. The
Bath clinic alone has found six new patients for a continuing study.

When it comes to linking those patients to run-of-the-mill déjà vu,
however, Moulin's work is not without objections from the small
community of researchers with an enduring interest in the subject. The
psychiatrist Vernon Neppe, founder of the Pacific Neuropsychiatric
Institute, says that he believes that Moulin's patients are not actually
experiencing déjà vécu, claiming that they don't conform with the
definition of déjà vu, of which déjà vécu is a subset. "The
Moulin research is difficult because there is so much confabulation," he
told me. "It's a different type of inappropriate familiarity."

Moulin says that he now regrets initially using the term déjà vu to
describe the patients, as opposed to déjà vécu, the "ongoing" and
"chronic" sensation. Still, he says, "That's what people come to their
doctor and say: their husband or wife has got permanent déjà vu."
Firmly establishing the experience of recollection that his patients
exhibit, he says, will provide the theoretical underpinning for
explanations of déjà vu — regardless of whether it is a real
fragment of memory or a purely neurological glitch that sets it off.

Another objection comes from Art Funkhouser, a psychologist based in
Switzerland who conducts déjà vu research and from whom Moulin and
Conway borrowed the term déjà vécu. Funkhouser, who is currently
analyzing data from a thousand respondents to an online déjà vu
questionnaire, has complained to Moulin that using the word "chronic"
will stigmatize déjà vu as a disease rather than a quirk of the
human mind. "The people he is dealing with are being affected by various
forms of dementia," he says. "I just wish that he would be a bit careful
in how he talks about it, so that he doesn't give the impression that
anybody who has this must be sick."

Moulin and Conway say that the sensation of
memory that déjà vécu so aptly illustrates is just one of many
"cognitive feelings," sensations that help us prioritize and act on our
own thoughts. When those feelings go awry, they produce strange
sensations. His latest experiments are designed to induce jamais vu —
translated literally as "never seen" — the feeling that something
familiar seems alien. Or take the aha! moment, a feeling you get upon
solving a complicated problem. Aha! moments, which a team of researchers
recently traced to activity in the temporal and frontal lobes of the
brain, help us recognize a flash of insight. When we get the same
feeling of insight without actually solving anything, we experience
what's called presque vu, or "almost seen" — a misplaced sensation
that everything makes sense. "I remember having it for cleaning my
teeth,"

Moulin recalls, "thinking, Ah, yes, at the end of every day I clean my
teeth! That just seems to have import. Like all life is cleaning teeth."
Trivial as they may sound, such cognitive feelings often guide our
behavior, and glitches in them can have profound consequences. In his
2001 book, "The Seven Sins of Memory," the Harvard psychologist Daniel
Schacter explores the phenomenon of "misattributed memory," in which you
remember some aspect of an event correctly but mistakenly recall the
origin of the memory. Misattributions, says Schacter, "have been
involved in a number of cases of wrongful conviction of individuals
based on eyewitness testimony." The same subjective feeling of memory
that led A.K.P. to believe his déjà vécu was real can trick
eyewitnesses into believing flawed identifications, or fool research
subjects into believing induced memories.

Conway also studies PTSD, in which patients are tortured by traumatic
memories that may be laced with distortions that can serve to compound
feelings of guilt and helplessness. Accident victims might distinctly
remember a moment in which they could have turned the car just to the
left and avoided a collision, even if such a moment never occurred. "The
recollective experience is the glue that sticks this all together,"
Moulin says. "People don't think they are making up these images. They
think they are remembering them." Cognitive therapists, by understanding
the recollective experience evidenced by déjà vécu, may be able to
help persuade such patients that many of their negative images aren't
real. The same is true for obsessive-compulsive disorder. "In order to
cure those people, you have to train them about their memory," Moulin
says. "They keep going back and checking the door, for instance, because
they don't remember well enough having locked it. You have to say:
'Well, your memory isn't like that. It's just not that good.' " In other
words, there's a limit to what you can expect from your memory.

All of which naturally raises the question: Why are humans cursed with
such imperfect memories? "Human cognition is incredibly, incredibly
complicated," Conway says, "and you are bound to get glitches along the
way. The question really is, How costly are those glitches? In terms of
survival, having experiences of déjà vu now and again probably isn't
such a big deal. But if you have a déjà vu all the time, then, like
A.K.P., you can't operate effectively in the world."

Such small glitches might even have proved evolutionarily valuable,
giving us insight into our own minds. "One of the things about déjà
vu in your daily life," Conway says, "is it does leave you wondering for
about three weeks afterward what happened." Ordinary déjà vu is so
striking precisely because our intellect is fighting against the feeling
of recollection. "It's an immutable feeling," Moulin says, "but it's not
immune to reason."
Salman Rushdie once observed that memory has its "own special kind" of
truth. "It selects, eliminates, alters, exaggerates, minimizes,
glorifies and vilifies also," he wrote in "Midnight's Children," "but in
the end it creates its own reality, its heterogeneous but usually
coherent version of events; and no sane human being ever trusts someone
else's version more than his own." To what extent persistent déjà
vécu itself constitutes a challenge to a person's sanity, or even
counts as a disorder, seems to vary. A.K.P. and M.A. eventually withdrew
from the world, stopped watching television or even leaving their homes.
But they also suffered from other age-related cognitive disorders.
Moulin is still seeking an effective treatment for such patients, as
both anti-Alzheimer's and antipsychotic drugs have shown no effect. But
he suspects that the condition could be helped by therapeutic
techniques. Preparing déjà vécu patients for novel situations they
are about to encounter, he says, could actually help reduce the feeling
that they've already experienced them.

Ordinary déjà vu, of course, isn't a disease, and even déjà
vécu-like conditions seem to vary in severity. "I think the persistent
or continuous déjà vu that Moulin is looking at is found in people
with normal function who are not disturbed or out of mainstream," Alan
Brown says.
Pat Shapiro, to all appearances, is such a person. She lives a rich
life, her mind intact, and she claims to be mostly unbothered by her
condition. Her daughter Susan worries that the episodes tire her mother
out, as she tries to puzzle out when she has been somewhere or met
someone in the past. Mostly, the family tries to laugh about the
incidents. "We're lucky that she can have a sense of humor about it,"
Susan says.

One afternoon in Dover, in the midst of relating her déjà vu
experiences, Pat Shapiro paused and took off her glasses, looking at me
intently. "I have to say, you look so much like my grandson," she said.
"He has a little bit longer hair, but you look so similar. When I saw
you get out of the car I just thought, Oh!"
"But wait," I asked, "couldn't that have just been a déjà vu?"

"No, it was just that you looked so much like him," she said. My face
must have betrayed a hint of skepticism, and she quickly moved on.
Don came in a few minutes later, and soon he, too, paused. "I have to
tell you one other thing," he said. "You look so much like our grandson,
it's amazing." I looked at Pat, who smiled knowingly. Later, at Susan's
house, she showed me a photo of the grandson in question. It was like
seeing an image of myself, from a time that never happened.

Evan Ratliff is a writer in San Francisco and the co-author of "Safe:
The Race to Protect Ourselves in a Newly Dangerous World." This is his
first article for the magazine.